


Of Love and Loss

by nightjars_tranquil_flight



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:14:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27680555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightjars_tranquil_flight/pseuds/nightjars_tranquil_flight
Summary: Bill Denbrough falls in love with everything about Stanley Uris.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough & Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris
Kudos: 23





	Of Love and Loss

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.  
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

Bill doesn’t know exactly when his platonic love for Stanley turned romantic. Hell, he didn’t even know what the difference between platonic and romantic love was. There was one thing he knew though, and that was he loved Stanley. 

Bill loved a lot of things about Stanley. Stan’s vanilla curls frame his, frankly adorable, face and look absolutely stunning with his chocolate eyes. Now, Bill usually doesn’t pay too much attention to eyes when it comes to anything. If he was asked what color his friends' eyes were, he would only be able to remember maybe half of them. Which is weird, since he fixates on Stan’s eyes so much. Brown eyes are considered plain to most people as well. He can’t help but admire Stan’s though.

Bill finds it easy to read Stan’s eyes for emotions. Apparently this is only a thing Bill is able to do out of them all. He’s their resident Stan reader, often being put in the position of clarifying to Richie if Stan really meant what he’d said. Personally, Bill finds Stan very easy to read and likes to look at his eyes. He often enjoys looking at Stan’s eyes when he’s happy, because they shine so much brighter. They’re so uniquely Stan. 

But, of course, Bill tries not to overdo it because maybe staring deeply into your friend’s eyes twenty-four seven is weird. Bill can deal with that, because there’s so much about Stanley that he loves.

Stan doesn’t offer many facial expressions outside of his, as Richie describes it, ‘resting bitch face’ lightly. His face doesn’t usually change all that much with his expressions. For example, when throwing a disgusted glare at Richie, he does so with a slightly wrinkled nose and eyebrows pulled in. Bill makes sure to treasure it, even though he giggles in the moment.

Stanley is beautiful. 

Don’t even get Bill started on when Stan smiles or laughs. His heart can’t handle it. There’s always a sense of glimmering warmth in his chest when he sees it. When a smile reaches his eyes and he laughs so hard his face turns red and tears threaten to spill, Bill melts. Bill especially melts if it’s himself who caused Stanley to laugh. Something Bill loves about Stan is the way he snorts when he laughs. His demeanor is so perfect and poised, but his laugh is so dorky you cannot help but laugh along with him.

On the subject of being perfect and poised, so is his handwriting. It’s so neat and perfect, yet his cursive is extremely sloppy. Bill finds it endearing. Stan swore Bill to secrecy when he found out about it, which made him laugh. 

It’s fun having a secret with Stan. Whenever cursive writing is mentioned Bill will turn his head to him, and Stan would glare at him with his perfect eyes and cute face. He would try his hardest to not laugh at it.

Bill was the opposite of Stan, his handwriting being sloppy yet his cursive being very neat. It’s theorized by Stan that Bill stole his ability to write in cursive, but Bill tells him he practiced his cursive too much from being forced to write in it for detention. A clever way to try to cover himself, Stan says, but he knows he stole it. And Bill just loves the banter with Stan.

Stan is just so charming to talk to, practically breathing in sarcasm. While Richie is funny, Bill finds Stan funnier. It’s especially evident when Stan and Richie bicker back and forth. Their conversations are always amusing to him.

Bill admires how smart he is as well. He does the best in school out of the losers, maybe only Ben rivaling him grade-wise. Despite that, he also knows about so much more, like birds. Bill could listen to him talk about birds for hours. 

Bill likes hanging out with Stan when it’s just the two of them. Of course he likes hanging out with all his friends together, but just Stan and him felt special. Stan is more open around him than the rest of the losers. They don’t always need to talk, they just have to exist in the same room together. Typically, Bill will draw while Stan does something. He does so when Stan reorganizes his room, bird watches, practices piano, does his homework while humming, and not practicing his cursive.

Bill will join in sometimes, learning how Stan organizes stuff and helps so it will be faster. Watching and listening to him, wanting to catch his smile while he identifies birds and tells Bill about them. He’ll help him practice piano when he needs help, because Bill’s mom taught him when he was younger. They do their homework together when Stan demands Bill to join him. And they both don’t practice cursive.

Not every time they hang out is happy. All of the losers go to Bill for comfort when they’re sad, it’s just how it’s always been. He’s their leader, and he always does the best he can to comfort his friends. When Stanley started showing up at his window in the middle of the night, he wasn’t very shocked.

Stan’s trust is hard to earn, especially when it comes to his problems. He doesn’t prefer to talk about them. Having Stanley come to him pleased him in some small manner, because being able to offer him a safe space feels like a dream. Stan will allow himself to vent and cry, while Bill holds him in his arms and makes him feel listened to. 

On the very, very rare occasions Bill reaches out for help because he, himself, is overwhelmed, it’s been to Stanley or Beverly. Bill goes to Stan when his stutter frustrates him, because being with Stan doesn’t require talking. When it does, Stan listens to him to the end patiently. 

When Bill goes to Bev, it’s because he’s realized he might be into Stan. Bill tells her about Stan’s eyes, his laughs, the way he does things, the way his ears blush, and she asks him how in the ever flying fuck he didn’t realize it before.

Loving Stan came easy, was his best guess. They’ve always been close as best friends. Now, Bill realizes he’s completely brimming with love and affection for the other in a different way. The thought of kissing Stan made him feel happier than it should’ve for platonic friends.

Even with the realization of possible romantic feelings, he wouldn’t mind if his feelings were not returned. He just wants to stay in his life and see his light and brilliance for years to come.

Bill loves him for all he’s worth, and wouldn’t trade what they have for anything in the world. Even if that meant staying just friends.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.  
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

Bill decided to tell Stan about his feelings for him one day. It felt… invasive not saying anything to him. Bill doesn’t know why, but he felt guilty doing things with Stan whilst he was longing to kiss him. And the guilt of looking at something Stan did with love without his friend knowing was festering. He felt like he had to tell him, so he did.

Much to Bill’s surprise, Stanley tells him he is interested in being in a relationship with him back. And also calls him a dumbass. Which wasn’t a lie.

In any case, they decide to get together. Bill notices more things about Stan that makes him fall even further in love. 

Something Stan loved to do was cup Bill’s face in his hands and kiss him gently all over his face. He would compliment him while he did it, as if trying to imprint the words into his skin. Bill imploded when he first did it, the gentle eyes filled with adoration pointed directly at him making him a blushing mess. That paired with the fact Bill has an extremely hard time accepting compliments.

It’s also in these moments where Bill learned what Stan loves about him. His bravery, he would say as he pressed a kiss to his forehead. His freckles, he’d comment, pressed into his cheek. His dumb bitch disease, pressed into his jaw near his ear, which would make Bill cackle. 

Stan would tease him when he blushed and then compliment how adorable he looked, leaving a soft peck on his nose. If it weren’t for Stan’s cool hands on his face he probably would have spontaneously combusted. Bill melts under the attention.

Bill’s favorite thing was doing the same thing back to Stan, because while he can put it out he cannot take it. It usually ends with Stan trying to hide his face, which ends in them wrestling and laughing.

Bill likes the feel of Stan’s hand in his. Stan has soft hands, he’s noticed. It surprises him how soft they are, despite the known fact Stan uses lotion on his hands every day. Richie had a field day with that information. 

Stan also uses lip balm every day. His lips are soft and plush, whilst Bill’s are very chapped and torn. Picking at and biting his lips was common for Bill, often doing it till he bled. Fortunately for his lips, though, Stanley has taken it upon himself to curb this behavior. With his hand coming anywhere near his face, Stan would slap it away and press lip balm into his hand. It was often accompanied with a look that had Bill laughing.

Stan gave him some cute bird nicknames. Typically Bill didn’t see the appeal in nicknames, but holy shit when Stan called him his blue bird for the first time, he felt his heart skip. His boyfriend did not fail to notice this and kept them coming.

Around this time Bill noticed just how different Stan was with him compared to others. It was when Bill had gotten into a fight with someone in his class, leaving him with a bloody nose and black eye. The guy had been looking for a fight, and for whatever reason decided on Bill. Stan had been the one to intervene, punching the dude right in the mouth and knocking the dude’s tooth out. Bitched him out the whole time he cried on the floor. Afterwards, he bent down and helped Bill despite his hand hurting a shit ton from the punch. To the classmate Stan had been harsh and bitter, but to Bill he was soothing and compassionate. Stan had the gentleness of a songbird, yet the talons of a bird of prey. 

Stanley, for all his talk of never getting in trouble and his pride in it, threw it away for Bill. The immense guilt in having caused Stan to get punished made Bill cry. Stan calmed him and joked about finally practicing his cursive, which made Bill choke out a laugh. They both bandaged each other up afterwards, joking about how they look like bad boys now.

The subject of college came up eventually and after some debate, they decided to pick colleges and apply for them together. It was nerve racking waiting for the results, but luckily enough they got into the main one they wanted to go to. Bill still remembers the excited hugging and kisses splotched onto each other’s faces afterwards.

He remembers Stan, in his joy, attempting to scoop him up, only managing to lift him a few inches off the ground before his arms got wobbly and he had to put him down. Bill fell on the ground laughing, tears streaming down his face at the absolute disappointment written across Stan’s face at the failure. Stan swore he’d be able to pick Bill up properly one day, to which Bill replied that he’d like to see him try.

The air turned challenging and Stan decided to wipe the smug look off Bill’s face by tickling him. It worked very well, Bill completely at his mercy, yelling how he couldn’t breathe. All ended with them huffing for breath besides each other, giggling lightly while looking into each other’s eyes. 

Being loved back just as hard was like being found in the darkness. It was overwhelmingly joyful and lovely. His heart felt full of love and he was the happiest he’d ever been.

He was happy with Stan, and he never wanted it to stop.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.

Bill hadn’t feared much in their relationship. If they broke up, they would still be friends. That’s what they agreed upon when they decided to date. No matter what, they’d always still be friends.

He hadn’t planned for, or even imagined, Stan’s suicide. 

Bill questions where he went wrong. He feels like he’s suffocating, his lungs don’t seem to work. Experiencing this had never even crossed his mind.

Imaging life without Stan is just blank. It’s so difficult to even believe he’s gone. He’s convinced he’s just dreaming, this doesn’t feel real at all. The feeling of floating in a nightmare that is just very close to reality. 

Missing him seems too simple to describe how Bill felt after Stan died. His heart aches painfully in his chest, his organs feel like they’ve been ripped out. A painfully empty feeling envelops him. His soul burns with sorrow because he doesn’t have him anymore. Stan’s absence is killing him, and it’s so hard to know they’ll never speak again. He misses their banter, he misses the soft touching and kisses, he misses Stan’s eyes, his face, his smile, his sloppy cursive, his arms, he misses Stan. His life without Stanley seems meaningless. Seeing things Stan would’ve loved hurts.

Bill wishes he could’ve been more useful, could’ve seen this outcome coming. He felt like Stan was off, but he couldn’t tell why. Finding him in their bathroom wasn’t something he had ever expected, and wishes it didn’t happen. There were so many things he should have done. It was too late. It was too late for him to fix anything, and it weighed heavily on him. 

The note left for him weighs on his mind, burned permanently into his memory from reading it countless times. Trying to figure out how it wasn’t his fault. It feels like it was, no matter what Stan’s neat handwriting on that piece of paper or his friends tried to persuade him otherwise. Bill doesn’t know how to change that. This heavy weight of overwhelming dread and how bad he fucked up has settled on his shoulders, and he doesn’t know how to relieve it. He doesn’t know if he can.

Nightmares take up most of his dreams. Dreams with wrists carved into and bleeding profusely, dreams where no matter how hard Bill tries, begs, cries, he can’t save him. It’s always the same outcome. Stan isn’t here anymore. Bill lost him, and he can’t save him.

Bill doesn’t think he’s ever missed anything more in his goddamn life. And despite his grief, his lack of sleep from nightmares, and being unable to go into his own bathroom anymore without getting sent into a PTSD episode, he pretends to be okay. His thought process being that he needs to be strong for the others. The losers quickly call bullshit, but he doesn’t want to break in front of them.

They stay close by anyways. It’s almost as if they’re scared what he would do if left alone. Bill assumes that’s fair. His boyfriend and love of his life just committed suicide and no one had seen it coming. He should have seen it coming. He kind of wants to kill himself too, for fuck’s sake, or at least severely injure himself.

It’s hard. It’s as if there’s a hole where his heart should be, like Stan had taken it with him. Maybe he did. Bill hoped his heart at least helps Stanley wherever he is in the afterlife. It’s a dumb hope to comfort himself in some small measure, that Stan took it for companionship and it’s helping himself not be sad in the afterlife. He hoped Stan was happy, because despite the hurt he feels he can’t bring himself to hate him. Fuck, maybe he’s a little upset Stanley didn’t talk to him, but he can’t bring himself to hate him. He loved him for all he’s worth. Bringing himself to hate himself though, seems easy enough. 

His mind would convince him Stan killed himself because Bill. It was warping every interaction they had to Stan being stuck with him. He was weighing Stan down. Stan thought the only way to get out of it was killing himself. As much as he tried to fight the thoughts, they shadowed over him.

Trying to get rid of the pain was hard. He tried to hurt himself just to feel something which caused the losers to go into an absolute fucking frenzy. Mike and Richie were restraining him and the others were panicking on what to do. He got stuck in a hospital for a bit on suicide watch because of it.

His friends were trying their best to help him now. And despite his guilt for taking up their time, he was so thankful. He felt pure gratefulness for them being there for him, or he’s certain he would’ve actually done something devastating.

For now, Stanley has his heart. And maybe, maybe Stan will return it one day when he doesn’t need him anymore. He wishes him the best.

Bill doesn’t know how to move on, or if he even can, but he’s going to try his best.

**Author's Note:**

> Quote this fic is based off is from Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure 
> 
> Me: I do not like to read fics where Stan dies, it hurts me too much so I will actively avoid them  
> Also me: hehe writing Stan death fic go brrrrrr
> 
> I am so sorry y’all, piss in my soup for this sin 


End file.
